Thursday, December 20, 2007

Memoirs of an MBA...

This piece was written by a friend known in
the inner circles as "DC"

July 26

Dear Diary,

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!!
And I like it already. "Assistant Junior Deputy to
the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing".
My dad was
thrilled when he heard my designation.
"What the fuck!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love
it when my parents are happy...

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I cant wait to get
my first Employee
ID Card and cubicle. I hope
Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers is the beginning
of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the
institute. OD,OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in
the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before
facing hard issues here at PWC.

July 28th

Dear Diary,

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had
recruited me had left a month ago. So they didnt know I
was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.

I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being
I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate
Communication. The phone doesnt work though...

August 2nd

Dear Diary,

Met my boss today. He spend a lot of time with my CV and
then asked me how I managed to get a job with them.
(Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told
me to review our material ordering system in the
err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy
machine section" of the plant.

Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.
The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose
with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They
are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am
going to be famous.

August 7th

Dear Diary,

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball
bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula. It takes
into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball
bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look
when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is
obviously not an MBA...

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the
"Our Employees Love Us" campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a
ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.

August 11th

Dear Diary,

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked
up with Engineering. They said that should be enough
for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and
stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If
prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication.
From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the
to understand the unspoken messages within the
underbelly of the firm.(That OD book is good)

August 14th

Dear Diary,

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our
Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her
that the
Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between
refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of
contents and everything. She is sure going to impressed!! I
spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago.
No reply yet.

They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo
shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced
to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and
vandalized the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us".
I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called
me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for
"Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384.
The contract can't be changed now. I dont have too much space
left in my cupboard.

August 25th

Dear Diary,

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry.
"Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I
supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change
it to Merry Lesbian????!!!! Where's natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke
open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings
from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting
and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on
coffee machine and tippedcoffee powder into the polymer
mixing maching tray. No one saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was
a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia
family I think. Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...

September 2nd

Dear Diary,

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was
mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less
than three months!!That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300
people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was
smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation.
Someone later told me my fly was open thewhole time. But I
don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on
"An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"

p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each
employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR
manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every
suggestion counts here at PWC.

September 4th

Dear Diary,

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa.
I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products
division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings
I bought.I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit.
I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!

September 5th
Dear Diary,

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...

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