The serial killer in me

On Indian roads people are scrambling towards their destination as though the apocalypse was around the next bend. Riding on these roads sometimes reminds me of being a baby, when you are tightly wrapped in a cloth so you feel secure. The difference being that while the baby has the luxury of comfort, standing in a mass of people at a traffic jam is close enough for you to catch Herpes from the dude next to you.

Was approaching a traffic signal this morning on the Bullet. The road was infested with traffic like a homeless woman's hair is with lice. The display above the signal read 8 (seconds). I had about 20 meters to cover to beat the light. I knew I could make it....easy as pie. Horns were going off like crazy, rage surrounded us and people were accustomed to the fact that a couple us would not come out alive on the other side of the signal. The car in front of me stops abruptly & boxed me in. I missed the green light.

I was dumbstruck. I felt violated, sad, angry. I was in denial. I felt like I was shown the promise land and then told "That's what you cant have". I felt betrayed. I felt like I had wiped my sick uncle's ass for 5 years and he left all the inheritance to my evil twin instead. Denial soon turned to rage. I was grinding my teeth, broke into a cold sweat and wanted to bleed the guy in the stalled car dry. Its like I was possessed. I blocked out thoughts of family, friends, the law, society, justice and morals. All I wanted to do is kill the guy in the car. I was in the twilight zone, intoxicated and excited. Thankfully I snapped outta it in under a couple of seconds, calmed down and moved on.

I wonder and hope that it remains at a couple of seconds.

(need to stop watching Dexter)

Conversations

With the BJP backing RSS stand on north Indians in Mumbai (Read here), this may be the BJP/RSS-Shiv Sena future.



Click to enlarge

New year resolutions 2010

It's a new year bitches. I was going through the resolution list I made last year and surprised myself. Given below are the promises made, what I actually meant followed by the 2009 performance. Last year's resolution post

1) Quit smoking
1) Stick to 10 a day
I have quit smoking. Been clean for 311 days.

2) Hit the gym
2) Climb a flight of stairs once a week
Was jogging for 2 months followed by football. Stopped. Have to restart.

3) Stay in touch with relatives
3) Make my wife SMS them once a month
I actually took the effort to attend all family reunions and found out I have a lot in common with my cousins. Will keep in touch.

4) Be a concerned citizen
4) More dinner table conversations about improving the country
Nothing has changed. I pay my taxes on time....if that counts.

5) Be the best husband ever
5) Keep the toilet seat down after taking a leak
My wife seems to think so :-)

6) No road rage
6) Gallis in English only
A little calmer on the road. A little.

7) A vacation outside India
7) A vacation outside India
Singapore. Not a vacation though.

Not made my list for 2010 yet but have a couple of pointers from the Mrs already.

Sari man

Just got back from a trip to Udaipur. We visited the sari section of the Hathipol market. We were in a small gali where all these shops were at and entered one of them. I stood outside killing time while the Mrs was being show the collection by a 30 something dude. I looked at him and it struck me. This dude deals exclusively with women for a living. What must that be like?

I found out he was married and thought that his job would either make him a doting husband or a wife beating psychopath (given that he takes shit from women all day). But when you really get down to it, being a sari salesman is a highly skilled job. Why? Because you need to UNDERSTAND women. He has to be patient because its crazy the amount of saris a single lady will go through before making up her mind. He need to be approachable and cannot letch. He needs to engage, entertain, assess, understand and sell a product he has never used.

He also told me that that he has to show an average of 65 saris before a women makes up her mind and this number may go up to 90. My wife being a quick shopper went through only 22 before picking up her sari.

Tiger Tiger burning bright

Could not help myself:

The higest selling womens t-shirt in Florida:



....and then there were the comments

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Wood's wife Elin Nordegren has agreed to appear on " Larry King Live " to apologize for the brutal beating she gave her husband last week . " You know Larry, under this blonde hair, white skin, and make-up, I'm really just another Chris Brown . "

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Tiger is no different from most of the guys I know. His car is a wreck, he is off work, his wife hates him, and he has sudden, unexpected, family expenses to deal with.

AGAIN, cant help meself

Guest writer

---After a year of procrastinating, my friend Puma has finally put his thoughts on paper. The post below is his take/reaction/thoughts on my previous post (THAT time of year)---

You know I agree with what SATYA says about this whole 26/11 (twenty Six Eleven) NAME Calling and how its become some sort of a sordid reminder of what happened...I should know cuz I once forgot my wive's b`day. The doc who treated me said the scars run much deeper now.

Humans as a species don’t like to remember the unfortunate things in life. I for one have a very happy life cuz I have a very bad memory. Enemies are now my best friends and ex lovers are well still ex (they just won’t pick up my calls, don’t know what’s up with that)

Though I feel that at the end of the day it’ll just be a date and nothing else... this country has wayyy too many people in here to worry bout. It’s that "GUY IN FRONT OF ME RATHER THAN I" kinda thinking.

I saw that entire blood bath on TV too but like Satya I didn’t mix it with pakodas and tea. I remember ordering Chinese from a guy on a hand cart, completely fucked my stomach, had the worst diarrhea ever and that’s another reason I won’t forget that fateful day. But leaving my bullshit aside I think it takes a lot to willingly enter a building full of people who’re ready to die as against YOU who wants to LIVE.

If it takes people to see it on live TV, EVEN BETTER. People are immune to reading about death/rape/carnage/molestation in BLACK AND WHITE every morning with their eggs and toast. This is going to sound a lot worse than I mean BUT THINGS LIKE THIS SHOULD BE TELEACST LIVE ALWAYS. Show a rapist being chewed by rabids and I guarantee you’ll see a drop in the act, telecast a murderer swinging from the gallows and you’ll just have to be “SERIAL KILLER CRAZY” to pick up a knife.

We are a DEMOCRACY and a country willing to fight to save a life no matter how many more we add to it every sec. We should make these atrocities even more visible EVEN if it takes you spilling your dinner out from the wrong end. We’ll continue to fight or write about them and people will take a bullet for you and me CUZ THIS ISNT FKIN SOMALIA YET OR PAKISTAN (which is one and the same)

I know I can’t take a bullet for someone but I did get into lots of fights for lots of people and got the shit kicked outta me too. In no way am I comparing myself to any of the heroes that day or the people who got killed were similar to me taking a beating... its just that in the twisted reasoning of terrorism and killings this date like so many of our personal misfortunes will get embedded far deeper than the shallow scars of bullet marks and shattered glass.

THAT time of year

It is THAT time of the year again. Yea, THAT time. We do not experience it often, but India has 2 days a year where our patriotism reaches the zenith, we constantly say “fuck Pakistan ya” and Jayanti Natrajan yells louder than Pavarotti in concert. The days in question are of course 26th January and 15th August. These being public holidays also help.

But this year we have a new and improved day to get emotional, sensitive and patriotic. Its called 26/11. It’s this day last year when 10 young men from the lost world of Atlantis breached our water tight security and slaughtered more than 170 people in our country’s financial capital. The reason generations will cherish 26/11 more than the other 2 days is for the simple reason that we saw it live on TV with chai, pakodas and the Rakhi Sawant of news- Barkha Dutt as accompaniments. Also, the scale of operation was huge and most importantly the people killed were rich and important. Candle manufacturings were having a ball with all the power cuts but with candle light vigils to mark this day…oh what a fun. We were all shocked at the way things unfolded and are still waiting for the movie to release so we can “truly” understand what happened. I personally hope 26/11 becomes what the 4th of July weekend is to the USA—i.e the first weekend of July is a 3-day weekend.

So what has changed 1 year down the line?
1) Maharashtra has re-elected the same government ruling at the time of 26/11
2) The people of India have re-elected the same government at the national level ruling at the time of 26/11
3) MNS the “outsider” hater disappeared while outsiders were killing innocent people in Mumbai but won 13 seats in the next elections
4) Kasab is safe, has put on weight and has been treated for all his ailments by Mumbai based doctors at the cost of Rs. 31 Crores (TOI)
5) Clusterfucked Pakistan still can’t make up their mind and come out of the closet
6) India still feels that if you ignore your problems long enough they will go away.

To all those who perished and to those who were left behind after 26/11- sorry about what happened. Like they say….Karma is a bitch. That’s the best I can offer. No one will help you. Help yourself.

Last post on 26/11

Life

Back after a break of sorts.

Life:
Observations, lies and conversations

I want my woman to be independent:
I want my woman to earn at least 30% lesser than what I do and be moderately successful. She also has to quit working after we have a kid.

Am taking a sabbatical:
I quit my job and am in the process of finding another one. In the meantime pls pls pls don't judge me.

I want to become the CMO/Brand Manager/ Large peice of dung in the next 10 yrs:
I know for the longest time that I am a laid back guy but the people around me tell me otherwise. So I reciprocate saying, I am ambitious.

Trying to quit man. I will, I promise:
Shut the fuck up. Just because you quit you act holier than thou. Recollect those days when you rummaged through the ashtray for leftovers when you ran out of cigarettes.

Boyfriend: I have never watched porn:
He is lying.

Girlfriend: I have never felt this way about any one before:
She is lying.

I love Hockey:
Dyanchand is still playing isn't he?

I hate that biach Rakhi Sawant:
I love her. She is the reason reality television exists in India. Love them curves too.

The Effiel Tower looks stunning at night:
Been to Europe. Have you?

People with kids----other humans DO NOT find your kids as cute as you do. Your instinct makes you blind to the fact that your kids can be perceived as runts
and things others want to hit. "Beta, go to uncle" is something you should refrain from".

I am 30 and cannot make new friends.

Last week I wore a suit to this dinner and was asked to skip the security check and wished 3 times. All others without suits were being frisked. Well I don't
quite blame them cause most of the assholes who cause trouble when frisked wear suits.