Reactions

Good news is that I have started to wear a shoe on the left foot again. I still use a walker and limp but its progress. This development confuses the hell out of strangers. Before I started wearing the shoe the bandage on my foot was clearly visible and it was for all to see that I was injured. With the shoes on, all I get is sympathy and teary eyed looks. Couple of things about people on the street and strangers you meet.

1) People on the street are always confused when they should step in to help and how. I was coming down the steps of a shop on a busy street a few days back. I wasn't struggling but was slow. This dude comes out of nowhere to lend a helping hand...I yelled "Dont touch me". Real loud for all to hear. He was too stunned to react. Hahaha....what a fun. Try it sometime.

2) Strangers you meet ALWAYS want to know what happened. They just cant seem to let go. Its this irresistible urge to put a reason for the condition before starting a conversation. My move next time some asks me that is to say "Birth defect. I hate my parents for it". Will let you know how it turns out.

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

(click on image for larger view)

Rahul Ji v/s Hitler

My first attempt at making a spoof video. This is from the famous stable of Hitler videos. This is a take on when Rahul Gandhi visited Mumbai. Enjoy.



Wanted to thank Ashim for being very patient & helpful, Sandeep for directing me towards the necessary software & Saad for the encouragement and tweeting the post.

I received feedback that some of the references and terms used in the video were confusing. Based on the feedback, here are the explanations:

1) Hello Kitty - is a fictional character produced by the Japanese company Sanrio. Was introduced in Japan in 1974 and brought to the United States in 1976.


2) Cracker - an abusive or slang term for a white person. Cracker- White, dry and tasteless.

3) Albino - albinos lack melanin and are white with no markings and with unpigmented pink eyes. The condition in which the skin looses pigmentation and turns white

4) Veni, vidi, vici (Latin)- written by Julius Caesar in 47 BC which translates as "I came, I saw, I conquered".

5) Hermaphrodite- a hermaphrodite is an animal or plant that has both male and female reproductive organs

6) Italian Stallion - An erotic film starring Sylvester Stallone, originally titled Party at Kitty and Stud's. It also refers to Rahul Baba's Italian heritage.

7) 3G - refers to the 3 Gandhis- Rahul, Priyanka and Sonia. Also 3G spectrum

8) 666 - In Christianity the number 666 represents the number of the beast. The devil.

Conversations

With the BJP backing RSS stand on north Indians in Mumbai (Read here), this may be the BJP/RSS-Shiv Sena future.



Click to enlarge

Tiger Tiger burning bright

Could not help myself:

The higest selling womens t-shirt in Florida:



....and then there were the comments

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Wood's wife Elin Nordegren has agreed to appear on " Larry King Live " to apologize for the brutal beating she gave her husband last week . " You know Larry, under this blonde hair, white skin, and make-up, I'm really just another Chris Brown . "

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Tiger is no different from most of the guys I know. His car is a wreck, he is off work, his wife hates him, and he has sudden, unexpected, family expenses to deal with.

AGAIN, cant help meself

Life

Back after a break of sorts.

Life:
Observations, lies and conversations

I want my woman to be independent:
I want my woman to earn at least 30% lesser than what I do and be moderately successful. She also has to quit working after we have a kid.

Am taking a sabbatical:
I quit my job and am in the process of finding another one. In the meantime pls pls pls don't judge me.

I want to become the CMO/Brand Manager/ Large peice of dung in the next 10 yrs:
I know for the longest time that I am a laid back guy but the people around me tell me otherwise. So I reciprocate saying, I am ambitious.

Trying to quit man. I will, I promise:
Shut the fuck up. Just because you quit you act holier than thou. Recollect those days when you rummaged through the ashtray for leftovers when you ran out of cigarettes.

Boyfriend: I have never watched porn:
He is lying.

Girlfriend: I have never felt this way about any one before:
She is lying.

I love Hockey:
Dyanchand is still playing isn't he?

I hate that biach Rakhi Sawant:
I love her. She is the reason reality television exists in India. Love them curves too.

The Effiel Tower looks stunning at night:
Been to Europe. Have you?

People with kids----other humans DO NOT find your kids as cute as you do. Your instinct makes you blind to the fact that your kids can be perceived as runts
and things others want to hit. "Beta, go to uncle" is something you should refrain from".

I am 30 and cannot make new friends.

Last week I wore a suit to this dinner and was asked to skip the security check and wished 3 times. All others without suits were being frisked. Well I don't
quite blame them cause most of the assholes who cause trouble when frisked wear suits.

Airtel advertisment sells drugs

"A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better". Words carved in stone by a friend of mine, a.k.a Carlito a.k.a The Legend.

If any of you have seen a junkie and the new Airtel 16 MBPS broadband advertisement you will know the correlation instinctively. This advertisement was initially created for a drug rehab facility. Aitel liked the concept and muscled its way to buy the advt.

All the fuckers in this advertisement are 16-18 yrs old "wannabe" YUPPIES high on....from what I can make of it...Meth and are one step short of blowing their brains out. The "kinda" kids who "wanna" say sup dude, ma bike, ma mobile, ma girlfriend but end up saying maa chudi.

The video has all signs of these being drug addicts with VD....here is the proof?
1. Standing on the roadside without a purpose--- while twitching
2. Playing with hands while looking down--- while twitching
3. A million screens of television rushing towards you
4. Depressed faces, due to lack of junk combined with constipation
5. Tapping the table--- while twitching
It so reminds me of Trainspotting.

Actually, this should be the video title:
"Suicide isn't so bad, give it a chance". Starring: Dolly the crack whore

I cannot believe that people get away with such shit. Watch the video on mute and you will know what I am talking about.





Disclaimer: The advertisement is real. The rest is how I interpret it. Nothing else

Episode 1 - The Denial

Denial has been Pakistan’s biggest weapon against the 26/11 attack accusations. Zaradari would have better off tattooing his denial, Gajini style for his first press conference post 26/11. Would have saved him a lot of headache.
To add to that the visit of that dungpot British foreign secretary to India where he backed Pakistan.



Episode 2 - A Rat Comes To Town...

My fledgling attempt at a comic strip.
Graphics guru: Ashim.

All images copyright to their respective owners

USA- The land of premature eclapulation*

Before you put your hands together for the land of freedom and the greatest country in the world.... 2 instances to prove this theory wrong:

1) Electoral College (United States)- "Rather than directly voting for the President and Vice President, U.S. citizens cast votes for electoral college representatives, known as electors. While electors are theoretically free to vote for the candidate of their choice, in practice they pledge to vote for specific candidates". ha ha. Have you heard of anything funnier in a democracy? This is such a farce.
Elections in India are won by:
a) Booth capturing (rural model): go to the place of voting and force people to vote for your party or fake the votes. Very rare.
b) Pay per vote(rural & urban model): buy votes from the citizens
The point is...the voter/people/citizen decide who their leader is...until the next step in evolution of bribing the guy counting the vote or bribing the guy who announces the results comes along.
But the founding fathers of the USA were visionary in their quest for retaining power. Let not people of this country choose their president, but let them FEEL they have chosen him. So currently 270 people out of a population of 300 million choose the president of the most powerful country in the world.
Now most of you will say its system that has worked for over 150 years or more. I say please judge for yourself keeping in mind the outgoing president.

"We are here to preserve democracy, not practice it" - Crimson Tide, Movie

2)Saw a documentary on NDTV yesterday. It focused on unlawful detention and torture of "POWs" captured by the US and allied farces. Torture included Waterboarding, Standing up to 40 hours, Forced nudity etc. The Geneva convention apparently isn't applicable / understood here. Most of the US solders were "doing their jobs" apparently.
Only 7% of detainees have been captured by the US. 93% have been handed over by warlords in exchange for $$$. As you may have guess majority of them were innocent citizens. The war strategy seems to be "if you kill enough of em, you automatically wipe out the terrorists".
I sometimes wonder about the people of Iraq who don't have anything to look forward to ...no jobs, money, homes, security. The picking up relatives or friends acts as a trigger for young men/women to take up jihad. In a land (US) where your "rights" are of utmost importance and you spilling coffee on yourself makes someone else liable to pay you millions these poor bastards truly are children of a lesser god.

*premature eclapulation- the process of clapping, during events such as plays, operas, and orchestral performances when the climax of the moment or the moment most appropriate for ovation has not yet been reached.

Blog wars-3.....concluded

1) Smriti...a.k.a "Smriti Irani"...a.k.a "guddu"....the god fearing "little one" of the organization....fears god and eating vegetables equally. A real good sport...actually sang loudly in a crowed hotel as part of her "induction" programme.
Am sure is going to heaven...works with orphaned children, but like all of us demands they visit her blog in lieu of all the free candy. uuummmmm....like my friend says "strangers have the sweetest candy".

2) Nishana...a.k.a "Nish"....the techie in the house. Knows shitloads about programming and my ability to pretend to understand stuff I don't & sleep with my eyes open helps me converse with her. Always helpful and new to Hyderabad....just like me

3) Anand...a.k.a "Stroke victim"...came up with the name today. Today anand completed 1 year in the org. and we played a prank on him. His computer was hidden after he left yesterday and the office unlocked before he arrived today. Chor, chor was echoing all around. He being the Admin and HR head it was his responsibility.....man, he was so close to crying when we called the prank off...also kind of looked like he just got down from a car driven by Rashmi.

4) Archana...a.k.a "Archie"...a.k.a "enthu cutlet"...Every-ready to take anything on, be it feeding stray dogs or boring us with induction presentations. She reminds me of lisa from the simpsons. Think positive, feel positive and do positive. Almost feel she is the kind of employee which organizations recruit so other employees can trouble her...part of the new HR initiative or something.

5) Shipra..a.k.a "Shipra" - newest kid on the block....detailed profile when i know more...seems intelligent though.

6) Bheem...a.k.a "Man friday"...He may be employed as the driver but he has the "jugad" for all things big and small. With a style quotient as high as the Petronas towers Bheem is the man with the plan.
p.s - Will provide hit-man services if the price is right.

Blog wars-2

Continuing from where I left off yesterday. Profiling 3 more colleagues.

1) Rashmi Varma...a.k.a "rash"- rash is derived from rashmi but also from her driving skills. From what I hear, sitting in a car with rash on the wheel is like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. The "peace maker" of the organization. Excellent subject for all pranks.

2) Yatin. S....a.k.a "yatsat" - defying many theories yatin exists in only 2 states of being...
i) yatin listening to music ii) yatin not listening to music. The "nice guy" of the organization who's music collection can give the i tunes library a run for its money. One of the few people I know who are all substance and no gas.

3) Sowdamini...a.k.a "mini"- some women can talk and then there is mini. Boredom when in mini's company is an unknown concept. A heart of gold and vocal cords that can smash walls miles away. The "live wire" of the organization.

Blog wars-1

My boss sent a mail yesterday that we would be having a contest in office to see who gets maximum hits on his/her blog in a given time period. We are a very small company (17 people) and with a promise of a free meal for the winner people started pimping their blogs with determination rivaled only by "Scrat" from Ice-Age (who is out to preserve his acorn).
As posting porn isn't an option i needed to find another way to get that free meal. So what i am going to do is quickly profile our people.....who are competitors and contenders.

1) Ripul Kumar...a.k.a "Rips" - high diabetic with a sweet tooth. Irony seems to be his middle name...could have been a national TT champ but for his asthma. Started the blog competition fire and is regularly pouring ghee into it.

2) Ashim...a.k.a "Chintu"- the only human who was born on the top level of Maslow's pyramid. Silent as a ninja and patient as a dead goat. Don't rule him out from winning just yet.

3) Meghna...a.k.a "Sweater Girl" - some find her weird but there is a fine line between weird and genius. Has a huge network and can sweep the competition away anytime she chooses.

4) Sneha...a.k.a "Elastagirl"- the women who can move mountains and IAS officers with 1 phone call. She has taken pity on me and is promoting my blog. I have awarded the "sweetest one" award to her already.

5) Geeta...a.k.a "Kick-ur-arse"- the driving force of the organization. she being one of the bosses does not indulge in petty blog promotion. she will be declaring the results so in all probabilities she will win... :-)

6) Sushant...a.k.a "Baba" - for his first month here all of us thought he was a mute and was employed as part of the corporate social initiatives movement. He has words of wisdom that has women swaying and men staggering. His is miles above the competition...mentally

7) Mousumi...a.k.a "bong girl"- the pet name has 2 reasons. 1) she is a bengali 2) bong also means the instrument to smoke weed in....and she worships shivji.
Driven, determined and destined for great things....she is the competitions underdog.

More profiles coming soon

Beating your kids

I was introduced to Russell Peters a year and a half back and am hooked. His take on life, people, cultures, colour etc blows my mind. One of his shows bought out the importance of white people beating their kids. He says a multicultural environment in which black, brown, white and asians kids grow up together needs a certain parenting balance which is destroyed with immigrant parents ass whopping their kids and white kids getting sent to their rooms. It makes the white kids social outcasts. The video below is a "beating for dummies" for white parents. Turn up the volume.

Social interactions

Like most of you I too hate meaningless and politically correct social interactions. Unfortunately I have been oriented to act nice. My theory is simple, "I am 28 yrs old and cannot make new friends". This attitude has led my better half to conclude that I would be one of those crazy old men who lectures children playing cricket on the world economy, chases imaginary cats and wont swat a fly cause it may cause an earthquake (butterfly effect). But all said and done politically correct interactions are to our society what Anakin Skywalker was to the universe....its supposed to bring balance. When this fragile balance is broken it creates havoc just like what happened in "revenge of the sith"
Social norms have a set of standard question you ask another human:
1) How are you doing?
2) What do you do? Ask a few more details so as to appear interested.
3) How do you like the event/weather/city...depending on the situation.
There are a few more but you get the idea. Also don't forget to nod like a bobble head.

Scenario: Wife's office party. Very formal. Families invited.
I was told to look presentable and act normal. Was also informed that everyone was dying to meet me (yea right). I reach the party and get into the groove of shaking hands, laughing at lame jokes etc. Something fried my brain cells 40 mins into the party. Maybe it was hunger or the vodka but cant quite validate. There was a group of 6-7 people standing with my wife when I was summoned for an introduction. This lady was acting more interested than the rest so made eye contact with her...
Lady: How are you?
Me: Am doing fine, how about you?
Lady: Good. So you liking Hyderabad? (we shifted here 6 months back)
Me: Its ok....the city grows on you (jeez, i am good)
Lady: So what do you do?
Now this is where the balance was shattered...
Me: Nothing. I am unemployed.....I live off my wife.
Dayam....panic, sweat all around. The lady turns white and does not know where to look or what to say...her mind is darting around cause she cant pose the next question. The rest of the gang were like people stuck in an elevator just when someone has farted. You want to jump out but end up hitting your head on the walls.
I put the lady out of her misery but laughing and telling her i was joking. People could breathe easy now and my fun was over.

I suggest all of you try it once in a while but make sure to bring the balance back else we would be wiped off as a race.

PETA- Animals have feelings too....

Warning: Long post

Now don't get me wrong....I love animals and admire the work PETA does. But there is a fine line between realism and insanity. No one has been able to define it but this is my take on it.
Every organization after tasting success and becoming big starts its tumble towards absurd alley. All of them are in danger of loosing focus of what they do....this danger is more than what Mithunda's sister faces in every movie.
The premise of this post is:
"If you do not ask/inform/consult me before fighting for my rights, its a violation of my rights IN the first place".
This is one of the primary reasons I do not hold NGO's or Social workers in high regard, mostly because most of them are frauds but also because the assume a bit too much.
Now the interesting point about PETA India is that they will not tolerate ill treatment of animals on Indian soil but anywhere else is ok. If you see the Vodafone advt, its not Bandra in the background. I love this stand...."My love for animals is geography specific". I do understand the legal constraints but not raising a stink due to geography is hilarious. Its like me saying Gwen Stefani did not bear my child cause we are on different continents...yea right.
If PETA were so bothered about the chicken in the SBI commercial or the pug in the Vodafone commercial should not they approach the chicken and the pug and ask them what they think about the whole issue? I feel to really uphold the right of animals in a "democratic" country like our we should hold free and fair election. Let all animals choose their representatives and decide when/where/how and how much to act. Now that's ethical treatment.
Also people who name their dog "socks", "armour", "yo-yo" etc should be sued. Can you imagine these 3 dogs hanging out with dogs called "raja", "khoobsurat" who's names meet the standards of the Bhartiya sanskriti? The social discrimination the 3 will feel with devastate their self confidence.
People with pets: a small request. Do not make your dog do tricks for guests and strangers. It just demeans them and it ain't no great shakes either....I just shook your hand at the door and you did not clap for me.....

Indians

Was watching a programme on National Geographic the other day. It was about a team of Architects who were told to create Venice in the middle of the desert - a casino, hotel , convention center plus the add-ons in Las Vegas. The deadline - 2 years. Ideate, set up the team, meet the budget, visit Venice etc etc all in 2 year? Wow. It took the Pune Municipal Corporation 6 years to build a 2 lane flyover.
This is where I object to we aping the west at all the wrong things. We even copy game shows from them.
1) KBC- Who wants to be a millionaire
2) Indian Idol- American Idol
3) Big Boss- Big Brother
4) Kya aap pachvi pass se teez hai? - are you smarter than a 5th grader etc.

For once I would like us to copy the sincerely, commitment, accountability, ingenuity etc of the west without offending the "Bhartiya nari, mard, mahzab, neta, sabhyata, suraksha, vichar, Left parties, Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, jews, Parsis, Buddhists, casts, creeds etc". Phew....seems impossible.

The "Earth Hour"

The "Earth Hour". Why didn't the Indian Government think of that first. I always say the White man markets his product the best. Relation between the Earth Hour and Marketing you may ask....let me explain.

Story 1- Imagine a bunch of rich white folks sitting at their winter get-away mansion sipping fine wine and indulging in their favorite topic -"The Earth" (problems in third world countries & Islam bashing also right up there). All this intellectual masturbation led to the creation of the "Earth Hour" where all people "concerned" would not use electricity for 1 hour on a designated day. Yippee, we care and will make sure you know about it. Bingo....."Earth Hour" is created and shoved down our throats like green veges when I was 8.

Story 2: Pune, Maharashtra, India- Long before the "The Earth" hour was conceived.
Mom: When you know there is no electricity everyday for 3 yrs now between 12pm-4pm why did you call your friends over to watch a movie?
Me: I was hoping thing would be different today....
Mom: (collapses on the sofa and turns to my father)- Think we did not beat him enough. He wont give up his fantasies...

Now, we HAD been observing the "The Earth" hour(s) long before anyone thought about it. Even AFTER it was thought of and marketed we made no effort to take credit for it. As an Indian citizen I feel sad....not about the power cuts but about our governments lack of marketing this country's love for Mother Earth.

No Homer Simpson for college students

With consumerism at its zenith and choices galore I wonder why our education system is so shut and lacks choices.....I have always wanted Psychology as an optional subject for all fields cause dealing with people is inevitable. But that's me....

"While teachers around the world try to use pop culture figures — such as Homer Simpson — from TV and movies to explain abstract concepts, Mumbai University is heading the opposite way."

the story is here!

Aamir Khan got it all wrong in TZP

Shilpa and I saw Taare Zameen Pe sometime back. All i
could say throughout the movie was "that kid is me, that
kid is me".The 24th time i said that Shilpa turned
around and said "I don't doubt it". Coming back to where
AK got it all wrong...The kid in question did not learn
cause he was not beaten enough at school. Let me explain...
When I was in school we used to get beaten mercilessly by our
teachers for good reason but also sometimes without reason.
When i look back at that time i understand that
they were only trying to teach us Physics, Art, Management
and about Life in general.Here are the basic teachings
imparted.

1)Action: Shoving our hands in drawers and slamming them shut.
Category: Physics / Art
Learning: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
The action being the drawer being slammed and the reaction
being we withdrawing our hands and gyrating in pain. Seen
the colour of your hand turn from brown to red/black/blue
in under 4 secs? btw red and blue are primary colours
(bet u did not know that)

2)Action: Slap across the face/back
Category: Physics /Art (refer to point 1)
Learning: Inertia - Inertia is a property of matter by
which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same
straight line unless acted upon by some external force
(circular in this case).The hand been the mass in motion and
the face being the external force.

3)Action:Beatings with hockey sticks and cricket bats.
Category: Management
Learning: The Hockey and Cricket seasons lasted 3 months each.
This form of beating taught us about the principals of Optimum
utilizations of resources and multi tasking

4)Action: Students slapping each other
Category: Management
Learning: the 2 convicts in question were made to stand face
to face to slap each other. Who so ever slapped the other the
hardest would be let go. This taught us to make false promises
to the other convict, slap him real hard and get away.The poor
bastard had to bear the brunt of the teach cause he lost.
Back stabbing and cheating are critical traits of any leader.

I could go on about the class beatings, the bribes to teachers to
pass us etc but think you get the point. Am certain those from
my batch who are doctors had their heads split up from a
duster strike in school.

Ishan would have learnt quicker if only....

A brief history of America

Hilarious,sad and true. South Park's take on a brief history of the "greatest" country in the world. I must admit though, its an unbeatable business model.